let me tell you a story

Got Friends?

So lately i’ve been wondering, do i even have any real friends… For awhile i spent the past three months with a group of friends i’ve known for years and during that time there were many tears and smiles. But i started to feel like i always do.. lonely and discontent.. I started to notice that these friends only did what interested them and not the others, when asking for help always coming up with an excuse or something…   Eventually came the time when i had to leave this setting because of unforeseen circumstances, which made me come back to my family… i started to realize wow i was right. i still care for these friends but when it came down to it, did they feel the same towards me? it was like i was never apart of their lives, only coming to me when they needed favors, causing me to lose my reputation with others, pulling strings that shouldn’t be pulled. When it came down to me needing help for a long time dream of mine… the answer was no.. I just needed a simple ride to LA to visit a school I’ve been wanting to go to for a long time, and i even offered the fair amount of gas to take me back and forth just for a few hours… They said they were busy but they were not. They said they couldn’t but i knew if there was a different circumstance like going to eat or going out to have fun they would.. Not just this one group with all my so called friends. i was promised rides which were then broken right before i needed to go.. i know it sounds selfish of me to complain, yes they dont have to but when im in my time of need it be nice you know?

I also not to long ago began talking to two very old friends of mine that i had lost, but i don’t feel any different. thing’s feel the same as always when im with them. I guess i was expecting something big to happen where we all have changed over the long period of absence but things seem to be the same. theres one friend in particular who always puts the blame on me when it gets down to the bone.. im always the reason we stop talking which annoys me. Why is it always me? what did i do wrong that you didn’t do yourself? he ask’s me for favors knowing that im in difficult situations but i still pull through just because.. why do i bother putting up with it, why do i always want to go back? 

im a very shy and timid person, with a very generous heart. I always give what sometimes i dont have just because i want to help people because i always feel better knowing i made someone happy, that i made a small difference.. It’s the start of my summer, finished my first year of college but it feels the same as when i finished my first year of high school. I had finished a very new and strange year that was just the first of many, alone and uncertain of what’s to come… all i know for certain is that i can only rely on myself

Change

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference…

When i here this particular verse, it always makes me wonder why are we so afraid of change? For me in particular, i feel as if when change occurs, you fear that things will be so different you won’t be able to handle the situation and won’t be happen. Lately my life has been changing for the better, and i am grateful for the people i have in my life, but i do admit i am scared. I constantly think about what will happen to me since I’ve made these changes… Will i regret losing the friends I’ve set aside or will it be better for me in the long haul. I want to be able to ACCEPT the thing’s i cannot change, like losing a friend or a job… See the brighter side of things that maybe it was for the better. the COURAGE to change the thing’s i can, like taking control of my own life and finally being my own person, and not shadowing in the foot steps of those who have come before me. and the WISDOM to know the difference, so that i know i am making the right decisions and living with no regrets. I’ve lost someone who meant the world to me, but i know that some how we’ll be able to meet again one day. If you care about someone, there’s nothing that can stand in your way from being with the person you love… No matter what changes

when ever some one says i’m fine… are they ever really fine?

 haven’t really been feeling so great lately and it feels every day gets worst and worst but i always have to put up a smile just because i don’t like people to worry… but it seems like no one even cares to wonder if i’m ok or not any more…  Ive been showing signs, trying to make it obvious just so someone can ask me… “whats wrong”.